It's been a while since my last update, I have neglected this blog for almost a year, please forgive me :D
There is so much that has happened since my last absence. It has been a rollercoaster journey for me (again) to be my true self in my life. When I am writing this blog, I usually have a sparkle, excitement, and hope to be a better person and accomplish my dream. However, it feels faded away recently and I think this is the last time I feel hope while I am writing this blog. I made a list of what happened in my life.
- Quitters are for losers. Yeah I am, I quit my first "real" job in business for some reason. In my heart, the corporate job seems not suitable for me, or perhaps it is just the "work environment"? However, I am glad I quit and I am glad I experienced that cause I just found out and am determined to be a Scientist/Researcher and dedicate my life to science !!! is maybe a Ph.D. suitable for me ??? or is a master's enough?? oh yeah speaking of master I'll do my master's degree abroad somewhere in Europe this year !!! and my heart never feels this excited.
- Lost the spark. I feel my spark perk in 2021, it is the year where it started, and my hope gauge is still full. After some rejection and time on the road, I am feeling I lost it, my energy was drained and my heart was broken so many times until it reached beyond the repair point. My motivation was all gone, I don't do anything except hide in my room and sleep the whole day for the last 6 months. Moreover, I got rejected from the aerospace program that I am looking forward to attending for years cause my background is chemical and my minor was material. They need someone with more mechanical/ aeronautical background to get in. In addition, I won't come to the Netherlands due to some reason despite I already made so many friends there, we planned to do some projects like wood making, hanging out, and makeout sessions together ;D (the last one is just a joke, hahaha) and that expectation will always be an expectation and I need to find another friend from another country and planed another thing. I just graduated and of course, It will leave me nothing but debt and lots of it, plus I only work for like 3 months LOL, so money was tight and I have this audacity to study abroad while In debt Hahahaha. I feel like I sacrifice anything I had just to chase my dream. Due to the tight budget, it really stressed me out to fund my study if you know some sugar mommy/daddy let me know :D
- Nobody, No one Cares. This is hard to swallow the pill, but during my "depression" time no one really pays attention to me, even my close friend. I reach out to them but everyone hardly replied... after your graduation, most people are busy with their own life and career. I didn't blame myself for being too weak or relying on other people, sometimes life just felt overwhelming and you need someone to comfort, believe in you, and make you stand again. When my crush give a slight of kindness towards me I became Insane and made this endless expectation of us together. I am obsessed and lost to that person, I neglected everything and my happiness relies on that person's behavior towards me. I already said I loved them, I already said I could not live without them and want them to only think about me, I can't stop thinking about them, texting them, thrusting over them, dreaming about them, and lowering my self-value for them. I know deep down this is not love but rather Insanity and unhealthy obsession. Somehow it feels good to imagine things that we want to happen so badly but never will. I feel life was pushing me too hard that I can do nothing except rely on others. This situation reminds me of that one episode from Re-Zero when everyone left Emilia and she has to do everything alone and then become mentally unstable in the end. She neglected her dream, passion, and everything and relies on that one person that she barely know.
I Love You "In Lunatic Way"
Honestly, nothing interesting really happened recently, just occasional depression season, however, when you channel your emotion through writing it will make you feel better. I admit I have not yet mastered emotional stability and I feel like a child, regardless I still want a be a child cause maturing too fast is just boring. Through this post, I hope I gain more emotional control skills and be a better person. If you feel the same way, feel free to reach out to me, cause nobody wants to be a light for me, I hope I can be a light for somebody. I know it is hard to be alone, especially when you have nothing at the moment, and trust me there's something worth in the process. I might be still a tiny star today, but someday I hope I can be a star and keep revolving around someone who cares about me when I am at my tiniest and weakest shine !!!
Oh yeah a tip for anyone out there: if you feel overwhelmed or anxious..just sing !!! I've been better now and to my crush who let me this comment on your Instagram story.. thx a lot :)
ps: the algorithm of my writing in this post was messy just like my brain right now
Wisdom of this month:
Cherish people around you, reach out to them, and help them, and you won't know what they have been true, also if u need help just ask them there are always people who love u out there
Burst your limit to unknown space
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