Story From the Tiny Star

      It's been a while since my last update, I have neglected this blog for almost a year, please forgive me :D

      There is so much that has happened since my last absence. It has been a rollercoaster journey for me (again) to be my true self in my life. When I am writing this blog, I usually have a sparkle, excitement, and hope to be a better person and accomplish my dream. However, it feels faded away recently and I think this is the last time I feel hope while I am writing this blog. I made a list of what happened in my life.

1. Quitters are for losers. Yeah I am, I quit my first "real" job in business for some reason. In my heart, the corporate job seems not suitable for me, or perhaps it is just the "work environment"? However, I am glad I quit and I am glad I experienced that cause I just found out and am determined to be a Scientist/Researcher and dedicate my life to science !!! is maybe a Ph.D. suitable for me ??? or is a master's enough?? oh yeah speaking of master I'll do my master's degree abroad somewhere in Europe this year !!! and my heart never feels this excited.
2. Lost the spark. I feel my spark perk in 2021, it is the year where it started, and my hope gauge is still full. After some rejection and time on the road, I am feeling I lost it, my energy was drained and my heart was broken so many times until it reached beyond the repair point. My motivation was all gone, I don't do anything except hide in my room and sleep the whole day for the last 6 months. Moreover, I got rejected from the aerospace program that I am looking forward to attending for years cause my background is chemical and my minor was material. They need someone with more mechanical/ aeronautical background to get in. In addition, I won't come to the Netherlands due to some reason despite I already made so many friends there, we planned to do some projects like wood making, hanging out, and makeout sessions together ;D (the last one is just a joke, hahaha) and that expectation will always be an expectation and I need to find another friend from another country and planed another thing. I just graduated and of course, It will leave me nothing but debt and lots of it, plus I only work for like 3 months LOL, so money was tight and I have this audacity to study abroad while In debt Hahahaha. I feel like I sacrifice anything I had just to chase my dream. Due to the tight budget, it really stressed me out to fund my study if you know some sugar mommy/daddy let me know :D
3. Nobody, No one Cares. This is hard to swallow the pill, but during my "depression" time no one really pays attention to me, even my close friend. I reach out to them but everyone hardly replied... after your graduation, most people are busy with their own life and career. I didn't blame myself for being too weak or relying on other people, sometimes life just felt overwhelming and you need someone to comfort, believe in you, and make you stand again. When my crush give a slight of kindness towards me I became Insane and made this endless expectation of us together. I am obsessed and lost to that person, I neglected everything and my happiness relies on that person's behavior towards me. I already said I loved them, I already said I could not live without them and want them to only think about me, I can't stop thinking about them, texting them, thrusting over them, dreaming about them, and lowering my self-value for them. I know deep down this is not love but rather Insanity and unhealthy obsession. Somehow it feels good to imagine things that we want to happen so badly but never will. I feel life was pushing me too hard that I can do nothing except rely on others. This situation reminds me of that one episode from Re-Zero when everyone left Emilia and she has to do everything alone and then become mentally unstable in the end. She neglected her dream, passion, and everything and relies on that one person that she barely know.

I Love You "In Lunatic Way"

      Honestly, nothing interesting really happened recently, just occasional depression season, however, when you channel your emotion through writing it will make you feel better. I admit I have not yet mastered emotional stability and I feel like a child, regardless I still want a be a child cause maturing too fast is just boring. Through this post, I hope I gain more emotional control skills and be a better person. If you feel the same way, feel free to reach out to me, cause nobody wants to be a light for me, I hope I can be a light for somebody. I know it is hard to be alone, especially when you have nothing at the moment, and trust me there's something worth in the process. I might be still a tiny star today, but someday I hope I can be a star and keep revolving around someone who cares about me when I am at my tiniest and weakest shine !!!

Oh yeah a tip for anyone out there: if you feel overwhelmed or anxious..just sing !!! I've been better now and to my crush who let me this comment on your Instagram story.. thx a lot :)

ps: the algorithm of my writing in this post was messy just like my brain right now

Wisdom of this month:

Cherish people around you, reach out to them, and help them, and you won't know what they have been true, also if u need help just ask them there are always people who love u out there

Burst your limit to unknown space

Stories From the Rocket

The wrong decision probably stings, but we never learn when we always make the right choices right?? This is perhaps the worse chapter in my life, I met new people, new experiences, new places and so on... they were really exciting indeed, but aren't the old time missed?..

There's a lot of things happened since my last update... I just graduated from my university and finally get a new job which is intriguing. Honestly, I am quite happy right now, but there's no happiness without sadness, right? So this is something that I highlighted during these months.

1. Huge Depression Session. I don't really know how and why I managed to overcome this. During this period there's nothing I would like to do except want to kill myself and sleep. I have a sleeping disorder because of this, but ain't it better to have that rather than to lose your life? hahaha... I can't overcome this without help from my family and God. Sometimes you hate to see everything change, but this is the part of growing up, ain't worth being depressed about that. Kudos to my sister that always give me advice and listens to my stories, hehe I will never recover if it weren't for you, hehe.
2. Feeling Lost and Left Out. This is still related to the no 1 but anyway, I feel my childish behavior and exiting about things really kill my opportunity to grow. I honestly think I feel left out by my friends who have better careers and life... Frankly, this is nothing to worry about right?? everyone has their own story, and other people's lives, of course, are amusing but believe me, that's not the life we wanted. I honestly wanted busy corporate life but after I experienced that, I think farm life is better... but not the money though hahaha. Despite my wrong point of view, I lost the sense of myself... the colorful point of view about the world becoming black and white. I hate bland things... and I later not realized I am becoming one.
3. Meeting New People. I met lots of cool and awesome people along the way, from a cool sugarcane harvesting supervisor to a former McKinsey consultant from MIT. Maybe this is the best part of my job, I met and interact with lots of people..... Honestly, I also try to find my happiness in other people and it is really toxic... I am seeking for a friend to overcome my loneliness.. but the truth is, you can still be lonely with someone... just love yourself your happiness is within you.
4. ROCKET ALL THE WAY UP. Frankly, when you grow older, your dream probably fades away.. but I think my dream is growing stronger after these couple of months... I feel like I am ready to make a rocket and explore space... obviously, this is why I started this blog in the first place.

There's something that I wish never happened in the past months... because I think it was the very wrong decision I made, but you learn nothing without mistakes, right? From the mistakes I made, I feel more connected to myself, and what I need and I want... I guess it's the part of growing older?? despite growing older, I still never change my personal trait, cause that's the thing that made me who I am right now, right?

Oh yeah, happy Halloween... I feel this is the new chapter of my life.. probably full of hard work and a strong will to rise.. just like a rocket.... wish I can build one someday !!!!!

Oh yeah... I think this blog is just nonsense from me that tells my childish wish... but honestly, this blog really helps me get through things or stay connected with myself.... when I lost my willpower, I always read this hahahaha, you should make your own too!!! sometimes it's really nice to write something and read it when some time.

Happy Halloween, this is some of my cosplay last year.... this is Ethan Winter from Resident Evil 7 and 8.. I really like this character cause he will do anything for someone he loves.... his story made me realize how badass he is... oh yeah excuse my photoshop skill hahaha just do 5 min edit cause I am lazy

 

Ethan Winter Outfit RE 7 (left) RE 8 (Right)

ps: didn't check the grammar or spelling... so don't mind that 

Wisdom this week:

Just like rockets always fly high and give everything you got to touch the star... and be yourself, your happiness comes from you, not from the other

Burst your limit to unknown space

Stories From the Jedi

            These past months is kinda rough for me. I am dealing with various issues regarding my mental health. You probably get bored because my blog here is only about my mental health. But at least I have something to write about, hahaha. Honestly, I never felt I want to commit suicide before, but what happened to me over the last couple of months made me lose my faith in life. I have this thought that I will never reach my goal or find the love of my life. I don't have someone I can talk to nor people I can trust, I feel so much in agony. I tried to be strong and do it on my own but I couldn't, I just felt I was broken. I failed to get that job in that big company because I can not stop trembling during presentations, I blew almost every job interview I have. Frankly, I only pretend to be strong in front of my friends and parent. I act like I am an extrovert.. but deep down I can barely speak and maintain the conversation with my friends. I hate how weak I am, I hate everything about myself... there's a day when I wish there was someone that comes to my room and hugged me and told me to spit out all of my problems. I am trying to find people on dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and so on. you name it. Deep down I don't really try to find love, I am just trying to escape from all these problems through sexual tendencies, and that is not just right, and I'm not that kinda person.

            I hate the person I become in the past months, I rarely eat, am mad all the time, and have this suicidal thought every second. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I feel rage in myself, especially seeing my friend live happily with their partner or got what they want while I still struggle with my mental health. But you can't compare your life with another person's, it is just not right..... everyone has their own path, you just have to find your own path without looking around

            You know, mental health issues can make you unmotivated and lazy, I am doing nothing productive for about two months, just wake up and sleep, just let the day pass by. 

Regardless of all  that I feel better now, and ready to start all over again just like the phoenix that will be stronger after it died, this is something that makes me feel better

1. Remember your past. From dragon quest 8 ( which is the video game I enjoy the most) there's a scene when the king felt sad and abandons his kingdom just because his wife is dead. With the help of the moon spirit, the king recalls his memories with his wife. His wife told the king to remember the past and never go back to the old weak self or the past is something that never happened
2. Have your own method to solve the problem. Probably going to the therapist would be helpful, but for me, it just wastes the time and money, because you will be told something that you already know... why do you need to meet those people when you can recall all of your past?. to solve the anxiety problem I try to flip the coin and hide my hand in my pocket so I don't look nervous. I also need some practice... and so far it went well
3. Remember you are a man. This is right, I am a man, and I am 21 years old so I have to be strong. I am better than this world
4. Be a JEDI. Since I really like Star Wars, I have to be a Jedi and live in the Jedi way. Jedi need to be calm and not let emotions like anger, love, fear, or everything took control. They also do not let themself attracted to anyone even their partner or family... I just need the right method to implement all of this, probably I will close that love gate and try to live in the Jedi way. Because heartbroken can make you weak and turn you into the dark side

Tatooine sunset. the reminder to myself that I identify as a Jedi

Overall I feel sober these past few days. and try to catch up on all the things I should do... oh yeah, as I write this I also recall my memories from my Past Blog. I promise you will not hear about my mental health issues for a long time... It is actually really nice to vent all of my problems here. And not to forget to send my credit to GOD that made me snap all of this problem

NEVER FORGET ABOUT GOD

When you're alone, god is always there for you

Wisdom this week:

It is OK to be weak, It is OK to play video games and do nothing all the time, and It is OK to feel worthless or broken. But in the end, you need to rise and put on your sunglasses and say... "I am better than this stupid world"

Burst your limit to unknown space

Stories From The Rainy Day

        Break my promise (again) to post every week. However, I am trying to post as frequently as possible. So much changed since 2022 came, I live on my own (again) now. It's very hard to leave the comfort of the home, especially from my family. However, sooner or later I need to grow and leave them anyway. Finally, my struggles in university almost ended. My joy, tears, friendship, struggles, and other feelings just flow like a wind in mere time. Time really is fast. Now, I'm a few months closer to my graduation day. But still, I need to finish my paper first hehe. Since I moved out I struggle with depression and loneliness. Those feelings make it really hard to concentrate on the things I am doing.  My brain tried to deny it, but my heart did otherwise. I feel trapped and just run in the circle of sober and sad. I'm tired to find someone to erase those feelings, need to stand alone and do what I wanna do, no stalking, no finding, just me. Yeah easy to say but hard to do. From this point, I will try to stop finding a partner to erase those feeling, gotta be strong and erase those by myself. Sad indeed, when they do not really care about you, but I know who I am, I know I'm not attractive. But is it wrong to expect something?

        Valentine has come again this year, a gloomy day for a lonely laddie like me indeed. My social media is full of peeps showing their partner here and there. Every day I always think how my life will be if I had one, they wake me every day, eat or cook together, or perhaps I could make a song for them. However, thinking about that would not make me a stronger person, it is a childish thought. I have nothing to offer either, probably I need to catch my dream or be a  better person first before I start finding it. Nah, who needs that when you have yourself.

        As I said in my previous blog, I should get myself rejected once a day, and I did. However, when you are not strong enough you will break eventually. Despite too many rejections, now I am falling apart and really have no motivation to do anything. I even neglected my paper and other responsibilities. Pitiful indeed, but when you are idealistic you have to pay it with broken heart and lots of broken heart. Cause life is not really working for some people, gotta keep struggling. Life is not about the result or how fast you get that, life is a struggle and that makes it beautiful. If you want to be idealistic, you need to be strong mentally and physically. Still figuring out how to be mentally and physically.

Wisdom this week:

Dream higher, you will be stronger if u did and life is about the climb. Be yourself love will come to you.

Burst your limit to unknown space

Stories From Pandemic

    The pandemic vibe is finally over for me, next month my academic activity will be reversed to offline. It's quite like a two side of the coin for me. I'm happy and sad at the same time. Happy to meet my college friends again and sad to leave the comfort of my bed. Before the pandemic, I see myself as a childish person who just wanna fit in. And now, I am finally happy for who I am and found my lost spirit buried within me for several years. Now, I am finally confident with my own skin, more cherished, and enthusiastic about everything.

    Time really flows so fast, now I'm a senior and this year I will be graduating and start figuring about myself again what will I do for the rest of my life. Frankly, I have a few plans for what will I do after I graduated. However, thinking about those plans make me really anxious. It's really been two years since my last offline classes, I am really looking forward to my friend's transformation, it's kinda like a One Piece reference. They were not strong enough so they separated and trained for two years before seeing each other again.

    Apart from those things, I really learn much during the pandemic and shaped me to be the person who I am today, of which I am really proud. This is what happened to me during the pandemic I simplified into point

• My first job. Job is boring especially when sitting for several hours in front of your computer is needed. I work as an assistant lecturer and that was a quite fun job. I don't know if that can be categorized as a job since the salary is massively low, but it's quite fun and makes me closer to my professor. This really makes me become an impulsive person.
• My first crush and a broken heart. I never meet that person in real life or knew that person, but just looking at those eyes make my heart melt. I finally knew how it feels to fall in love (since I never did). What I admired most about that person is the hard worker, self proud, and spirit within. I really like someone who is a hard worker and struggles to chase their dream. There's nothing cooler than that. But hey, if you are ready to crush on someone,  you must be ready to have a broken heart. That's a long day, but I managed to survive. This is probably my first and last time crushing on someone, I probably won't do that again cause no one will give that butterfly effect as much as that person does. If you are in a broken heart state, I suggest you eat ice cream in your room, cover yourself with a blanket and listen to "Me and my broken heart by Rixton". It's just my advice though, it's not like I am really doing that.
• Lots-and lost of rejection. I applied for so many job applications, and neither of those accept me. It's really making me down and lowering my self-esteem, but hey God will always give you the best. Regardless of all of that, I challenged myself to get rejection every single day just to make myself stronger, so I won't commit suicide when I failed.
• Develop a different mindset. Watching tons of youtube videos, serving on the internet, stalking people, and doing so many activities indoor really changed the way I think. I see more value in things than when I do in real life.
• Learning a new language become bilingual or trilingual is hard, sometimes you mistakenly say or translate the other language.

I know what I write is a bit cheesy, but you got the point. oh yeah, I am so sorry for breaking my promise to post every week, sometimes I'm just busy and lazy, but I tried to write as frequently as possible to train my writing skill since I am not talented.

Here's the charcoal picture to lighten up your day, oh yeah now my hobby is blacksmithing !!!

and HAPPY NEW YEAR, remember new year new ME !!!

Wisdom this week: Find your true self, forget what people said, do what you like and believe.

Burst your limit to unknown space

Stories From the Past (Introduction)

Time always be my nemesis. Did know why? 

If someone asks me what my biggest fear is. I doubtlessly gonna respond about how I can't accomplish or experienced what I desired. for example I really want to see a rocket or work in a space company like NASA or SpaceX. When I was a kid especially in grade school, I always found myself reading some books about science like outer space, dinosaurs, or other phenomenons in the world just to feed my curiosity. 

However, as I grew older, that curiosity seems to fade away. A factor that plays an important role is the environment where I grew up, like the people, the place, or other things. I felt the people where I grew up is not really match my personality, I'm kinda weird, curious, funny (just my opinion, LOL), and full of unexpected things (sort of). But hey everyone just keeps judging me they said I'm weird, fag, and lots of other insults. You know, when someone is judged by lots of people (especially a kid) he will be searching about the thing that makes everyone hate him and eventually struggling to fit in and he becomes one of them. But you know? this is a cult.

As time goes by, I finally realized I have to do something I like before I'm getting old and die, or worse, I'll die before I'm old. For the 12 years, I always pin myself to other people, need to be rescued from the loneliness, or thinking too much about their perception of me. I even make a blog about how lonely I'm. when I looked at my past I think I'm too corny. my whole life is just my stories to please other people so they want to be my friend. From jokes I've told to my quirky act that I think they will love although they are not.

I hate when I have to deal with time, I hate how verbs changed despite time, I hate how people changed, my self changed, I hate time because It changed everything. But what I hate the most is how it changed my perception of the world. However, the stronger nemesis the stronger superhero should be. despite that as time flew by, I become stronger and not caring about what others thinking about me. Because strong or cool nemesis needs to be paired with also a strong superhero.

As I mentioned, I'm glad how time changed my perception. From now on, I need to be the person I am supposed to be, the young TV (just call me TV ok, LOL) that always curious about anything. So, this blog I use as my weekly journal or my stories as I trying my best to reach my dream (my dream is to work at a space company) or doing something I wanna do. Can't wait to see how my future hiding from me. As this rocket launches, I hope it will arrive at its destiny someday.

Wisdom this week: Time can change everything, don't let the time changed you. Only you can change yourself.

Burst your limit to unknown space