These past months is kinda rough for me. I am dealing with various issues regarding my mental health. You probably get bored because my blog here is only about my mental health. But at least I have something to write about, hahaha. Honestly, I never felt I want to commit suicide before, but what happened to me over the last couple of months made me lose my faith in life. I have this thought that I will never reach my goal or find the love of my life. I don't have someone I can talk to nor people I can trust, I feel so much in agony. I tried to be strong and do it on my own but I couldn't, I just felt I was broken. I failed to get that job in that big company because I can not stop trembling during presentations, I blew almost every job interview I have. Frankly, I only pretend to be strong in front of my friends and parent. I act like I am an extrovert.. but deep down I can barely speak and maintain the conversation with my friends. I hate how weak I am, I hate everything about myself... there's a day when I wish there was someone that comes to my room and hugged me and told me to spit out all of my problems. I am trying to find people on dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and so on. you name it. Deep down I don't really try to find love, I am just trying to escape from all these problems through sexual tendencies, and that is not just right, and I'm not that kinda person.
I hate the person I become in the past months, I rarely eat, am mad all the time, and have this suicidal thought every second. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I feel rage in myself, especially seeing my friend live happily with their partner or got what they want while I still struggle with my mental health. But you can't compare your life with another person's, it is just not right..... everyone has their own path, you just have to find your own path without looking around
You know, mental health issues can make you unmotivated and lazy, I am doing nothing productive for about two months, just wake up and sleep, just let the day pass by.
Regardless of all that I feel better now, and ready to start all over again just like the phoenix that will be stronger after it died, this is something that makes me feel better
- Remember your past. From dragon quest 8 ( which is the video game I enjoy the most) there's a scene when the king felt sad and abandons his kingdom just because his wife is dead. With the help of the moon spirit, the king recalls his memories with his wife. His wife told the king to remember the past and never go back to the old weak self or the past is something that never happened
- Have your own method to solve the problem. Probably going to the therapist would be helpful, but for me, it just wastes the time and money, because you will be told something that you already know... why do you need to meet those people when you can recall all of your past?. to solve the anxiety problem I try to flip the coin and hide my hand in my pocket so I don't look nervous. I also need some practice... and so far it went well
- Remember you are a man. This is right, I am a man, and I am 21 years old so I have to be strong. I am better than this world
- Be a JEDI. Since I really like Star Wars, I have to be a Jedi and live in the Jedi way. Jedi need to be calm and not let emotions like anger, love, fear, or everything took control. They also do not let themself attracted to anyone even their partner or family... I just need the right method to implement all of this, probably I will close that love gate and try to live in the Jedi way. Because heartbroken can make you weak and turn you into the dark side
It is OK to be weak, It is OK to play video games and do nothing all the time, and It is OK to feel worthless or broken. But in the end, you need to rise and put on your sunglasses and say... "I am better than this stupid world"
Burst your limit to unknown space
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